Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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