I'm going to jail i love you
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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