Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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