he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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