So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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