Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
