She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
