Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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