I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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