Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
