If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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