fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.