Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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