MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
