I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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