I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He's on the porch naked. Help.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
