thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
