I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
someone owes me an orgasm
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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