The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
