I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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