Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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