P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
