I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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