you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
