There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
