last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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