Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
