You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm having to shit out rocks
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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