So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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