We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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