do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
