i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
