I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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