Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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