don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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