the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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