I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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