So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
