Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
