I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
