On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
