I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
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I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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