i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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