if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
