You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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