you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
