he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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