I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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