take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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