"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
