Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
