im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
COCAINE IS GR8
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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