I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
