I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
